Origins and An Announcement

So for some reason I wanted to start writing this blog today, not sure why.  But here goes nothin' :).

The past two weeks or so has been a bit rough; lots of stress.  And it got me to thinking...how much of our trials comes from other people?  We could be doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing, and know that what we're doing is right, and them BLAM!  The trial troll comes along and our lives are turned upside down.  What made this time different was that...instead of immediately feeling angry...as was the norm up until now...I kind of felt sorry for them.  How horrible must it be to be so controlled by your bitterness and hate that Satan doesn't even give you a leash, he's just got you jacked up by the collar?  And then that made me think some more...

It really wasn't that long ago that that someone was me.  And then I remember just how horrible it was.  Always feeling like you are a blind man, clumsily groping around in the dark, praying (though having no idea where your prayers are going...), hoping there are no more pits to fall into.  Feeling as though you are always being watched, and then wondering if you a slowly slipping into insanity because you feel eyes watching you everywhere.  Waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air because you could have sworn there were hands around your neck, and just barely seeing a dark shadow out of the corner of your eye before you blink and it's gone.  Nothing making you feel happy or even worthwhile anymore, constantly feeling as though you are a pallet of bricks and someone keeps piling on 'just one more' until you feel as though you are walking dead-weight.  That was my life.  I dreaded night time, every single day was one long prayer that night would never come, but it always did.  The long, dark night that seemed longer every time.  I felt as though I was slowly becoming a puppet, and someone else was holding the strings.  Like Amanda the person was slowly being backed into a corner farther and farther into myself until it would be locked in a cage, never to be let back out.  And yet, no one knew.  How could I put into words the depth of my sorrow?  How could I put another through my pain? 

And then they came.  Those two wonderful angels came knocking on my door.  They had no idea what I was going through, no clue that they were literally my saviors from that long, dark night.  They brought me hope when it seemed all was lost.  It took time before I would even listen to what they had to say.  And when I did, it wasn't their words that stunned my protests.  It was the light they had, the feeling of peace that they brought with them.  For the first time in a long time I felt like there might be a way out of the darkness.  Of course, not everyone was as happy as I was to leave the darkness behind.  My boyfriend of a year and a half basically told me "If you go Mormon, I'm walking".  To make a long story short, I eventually made the decision to choose God over him.  One of the most powerful scriptures I have ever read is in Alma chapter 36:17-21:

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

This really spoke to me because I had felt the same way.  I had felt that enormous weight on me and that horror at the thought of all my many sins...and the inexpressible joy in the knowledge that my sins, even in their multitude, were forgiven. 

Since that time nearly four years ago, I have grown tremendously as a person.  The person I used to be seems so distant and far away that I have a hard time figuring out why I did some of the things I did back then.  When I think of how horrible life used to be without the gospel, it makes me want to help others out of the darkness.  I want to share the joy that I have in my life with those who are desperately searching for it.

I will post again later about the awesome experiences that helped me make this decision, but for now, here is the awesome announcement that was the whole purpose behind this new post:

I have decided that I'm going on a mission! :)

Stay tuned for more updates!